Our last MOPS meeting was a Marriage Panel. We hosted 4
couples with more than 100 years of marriage between them all & thoroughly
enjoyed gleaning insight and wisdom from them all!
Thank you to Bill and Lorna Brooks (52 years of marriage!),
Scott and Janet Lee (21 years of marriage), Nathan & Sierra Mullinax (15
years of marriage) and Paul and Katie Christopherson (19 years of marriage)!
You all opened your hearts to us and revealed important truths about relationships.
It’s not easy to be so vulnerable in front of a large group of women. We
appreciate your genuine answers and your commitments to each other.
Many great questions were posed and answered… and there is
no way to convey them all. But, I do have a few tidbits in the way of recap.
Enjoy.
When you’re married,
is there such a thing as “Me Time” or should it all be “Our Time?”
Both things still exist. Both are important, but there must
be communication regarding the balance of the two.
Remember your quiet time with Christ: this is important
individual growth time.
Time with girlfriends (for women) and time with “the guys”
(for men) is important. It helps keep the balance, especially when children are
factored into the marriage/family equation.
Be sure to have quality couple time. It’s important to keep
dating, keep communicating, keep enjoying one another’s company. Always
remember to try finding activities together that you both enjoy.
Be sure to keep family activities happening, too. Together
time is just as important as Alone time.
I think communication
is lacking in our marriage. How do I bring it up?
Model. Start communicating as much and as often as you can.
Keep your personal lines open and pray that God will open your spouse’s as
well.
Remember the timing of your conversations. Be sensitive to
what else is going on. Be careful not to take it personally when effective
communication is not possible because of circumstances.
Give credit to your spouse for listening. Listening is also
a skill that must be learned and can be improved.
Don’t start the conversation too far ahead of your spouse.
Bring him/her up to speed with your thought processes from the beginning, if
possible.
Remember to give space for reflection/answers. Value men’s need for space or the need for no
talking sometimes.
Suggestion: Have a couple of “indicator” questions
established. For example, ask, “What have you found satisfying about our
relationship lately?” and “What have you found dissatisfying about our
relationship lately?” These will effectively get conversation started. They can
also help you indicate to each other (through the fact that you are asking
them) that you feel a breakdown of communication lately.
Use tools like marriage conferences, books or professionals
to help you learn new skills.
Remember men cannot read minds.
What are some
resources you’ve found to positively impact your marriage?
Love & Respect: The Love She Most Desires, the Respect
He Desperately Needs by Dr. Emerson
Eggerichs
The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman
The Bible
How do you make time
for each other during this time of life where small children demand so much
time and attention?
Be intentional.
Remember there is an order to family life. Your relationship
to God first, your spouse next and children after that.
Put children to bed early.
Coordinate with friends to share babysitting time.
Drop kiddos off with Grandparents for a weekend away.
Tell kids that right now it’s Mommy and Daddy time. Teach
them that they are not always the center of attention. Teach them the order of
your family and show them how important it is for you as husband and wife to
have time together. Teach your children how to live with you, not you with
them.
Why do you think it is
important to get along with your in-laws? What do you do in particular to
encourage positive relations with them?
Keep boundaries.
Do not make your spouse choose between his/her parents and
yourself.
Always choose your marriage and spouse over your extended
family, but remember to keep respect for your extended family.
Remember, for men, it is hard when their wives are mean or
disrespectful of their moms.
If relations are difficult, don’t give up. Acknowledge the
difficulty of the situation with each other. Defend your marriage. Stick
together. And keep God the center.
Ask Jesus to help you know when to speak and when to be
quiet.
Remember relationships (all relationships) take work.
Teach your children to respect their elders. This will end
up being turned back to you – and will impact how you are respected later in
life as an in-law!
Be loving.
Respect differences. Look for beauty in all situations and
relationships.
Keep in your relations because stepping out of them teaches
your children that it’s okay to step out of relationships, to remove themselves
from relationships. This will also affect your future as an elder, your future
in relationship with your grown kids.
Don’t say impolite or disrespectful things about your
parents in front of your kids. Keep caution with your tongues.
What about divorce?
It just doesn’t enter the conversation. Remove it as a
possibility from the table.
“Wade” through problems that come up. Remember to stay
committed to God first and remember He doesn’t leave us. He will help sort
things out in the end.
There will be trials. Sometimes big ones. Keep your hearts
open and communicate with one another. Remember God’s forgiveness and how He
chooses not to remember once we’ve come to Him for repentance. Choose to
forgive your spouse in the same way – don’t through past failures up in his/her
face.
Remember marriage is cyclical. Struggles do happen, but
better times are to come.
When you refuse divorce as an option, it gives security,
opens hearts to one another, helps you remember you have to make this life
great, and it helps create goals.
Ecclesiastes 4:9-10 Two are better than one, because they
have a good reward for their toil. For if they fall, one will lift up his
fellow. But woe to him who is alone when he falls and has not another to lift
him up!
Isaiah 41:14 For
I, the Lord your God, hold your right hand;
it is I who say to you, “Do not
fear, I will help you.”
An Extra Thought:
Be sure to keep
communicating your internal thoughts, processes and struggles. Remember your
spouse cannot read your mind. Also remember, conversations are easier when you
don’t have to bring them up to speed through 10 levels of your personal process
at once.
